Sunday, March 15, 2009


Tomorrow will be CD1. We're taking a month off and will be meeting with our RE on April 4th and see where we go from here.

Not in a happy place right now.

Saturday, March 14, 2009


Well, today is CD29 and my past 4 cycles were 28CD-28CD-29CD ... so I figure AF will be showing up soon. Not to say I'm not holding out hope that this is our month, that would be such a blessing - but I'm just feeling different other than being very tired and having headaches. Low back is hurting but that's due to my bad back. Bleh.

I tried testing last night (11dp iui) and BFN. Trying to tell myself it was too early and not to give up hope.

Hope you are all well.

Monday, March 9, 2009

God is Good

After the week from heck this morning I headed in for my monthly bloodwork check to see how the progesterone level looked this cycle. My first two cycles on Clomid were .6 and 1.5, meaning no ovulation. My RE changed me to femara and last cycle it was a 10.4 and this cycle... 11.6!

The ladies worked it out - I ovulated! Blessed be.

So this means that next week I'll be able to PoAS and go from there. I'm still aching like crazy and my co-worker just brought in her little girl who is now 7 months old and so now I smell like "baby" - but God IS good and I know in my heart that somehow he'll help us walk this journey.

Thank you all for your kind words. *hugs*

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Show and Tell, Date Night

For Valentines Day my DH and I took time out and went out for lunch and then we went mini-golfing in the mall. It's a place called "glow-golf" and we had a lot of fun. Little distractions are always wonderful.

See who else is Showing & Telling.

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately. I'm doing better and hoping that once the meds start moving out of my system a bit more then I'll be more "myself" and less this down in the dumps gal seemingly lost and without hope... someone I honestly don't recognize.

*hugs* Thanks for taking this journey with me.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I'm sorry, but...

I'm at the place where I'm trying really hard not to be jealous and not react negatively when I hear people talk about their own blessings and I'm working towards standing once more in the sunlight and be 100% honest when I say I'm in a good and happy place.

The fact of the matter is... I'm currently not.

So please, if you find yourself anywhere on the following list please know that in my heart of hearts I am thrilled for you and am prayerfully thankful that you have had the blessing(s) you have... but right now it's just hard for me.

1. You are pregnant
2. Your adoption is close to happening
3. You have a little one

So that makes a very narrow part of the population that doesn't make me cry or my heart ache. It's not your fault. It's noone's fault. Give me a little time and I'll get better - I promise.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Bloating, Numbers and IUI #4

Taking a moment to touch base. Following my Ovidrel injection last Saturday I have been BEYOND bloated. I mean it has been crazy. I'm hoping that this goes away soon as my jeans have been tight and I just feel like crap. Argh.

Our numbers were good this cycle:
30million and 61% motility

The IUI today was really painful. My nurse was awesome and helped me breathe through it and it took a long time to complete the procedure but I appreciated the extra time she gave me to breathe and relax. The first three weren't the most painfree procedures ever... but this one, wow. I cried.

Now we step back and pray for patience, strength and blessings.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Losing Myself

Last night was so hard. Had nightmares and woke up crying twice. This morning I'm going about my daily life as if I'm lost. I feel like a babymaking machine right now and I just want to be _me_. Does that make sense? I'm willing to do anything I can to receive our blessing ... but I feel like I'm losing myself in the process.

Everything I do seems to revolve around this quest and it's really breaking me down. I'm positive the 3 co-workers who are due in March/April and the three others who announced just after Christmas isn't helping ... I'm broken and I'm disappointed in myself.

It's just so frickin HARD.