Tagged

In this tag, I was supposed to go to where I save my pictures on my computer and find the 5th folder and then post the 5th picture from that folder to my blog, along with telling the story behind it. So, here it goes...



This was taken last summer after my DH finished our new deck. He had a couple of co-workers help him with the beams and setting the footings but he did most of it completely on his own and it came out beautiful. So very proud of him. =)

If you're reading this I'd invite you to join in.

And now the 2ww

This morning we had our IUI and things look really good. DH's numbers were awesome and after going over the slight cramps and other symptoms I've had in the past 24 hours our RE let me know that things are progressing well. Next Friday I go in for my progesterone bloodwork and pray for something over a 10. If it is we have another 1 week to wait to test for pregnancy. Sooo... here's to the next week flying by.

I'm not a huge "that's an omen!" kinda gal... but I have to mention that as we were starting the procedure this morning I had to chuckle as over the office speakers (their piped in music) came the soothing, sultry voice of none other than Michael Buble... singing "Lost." How cool is that?

CD14

Well, this morning there was no hint of a second line on the OPK and as I'll be out of town tomorrow I called today to ask what I should do as my CD15 is out of town and CD16-17 will be over the weekend. They called back and I will have an u/s today over my lunch hour to see how we are progressing and plan from there.

I'm also excited to see what the ladies have been upto and I'm pretty sure this month's activity is in Ms Left's corner. She's been cranky the last two days. So I'll know more this afternoon and will try to update then.

Update:
The u/s went really well and I have 2 follies (20 and 20.5) on the left side ready to go. The only "problem" is I'm out of town tomorrow. So I've been given 250 MCG / .5ml of Ovidrel that I get to inject into my tummy tonight and then go in for the IUI first thing Saturday morning. Exciting and scary at the same time. I'm thinking "don't release yet" happy thoughts.

A Letter to the Ladies

My doctor is so very wonderful. I went in due to my throat being sore and my ears being full and got some stuff that should help with that. Before I left she asked me how the fertility treatments were going and I started to cry. Embarassing. I'm not one to cry infront of people - and she knew that.

She then told me that she had gone to a fertility clinic after 8 months of trying and is still trying... My jaw hit the floor. She's thin, in wonderful shape and (ok, I'll say it) looks normal! It always amazes me just how many women have troubles and yet its still a taboo to talk about or confess to - at least from my perspective. That's when she told me what helped her get through it... frequent notes to "the ladies." So here goes...

Morning ladies, have a moment?

We've been through quite a bit together. Many years ago things were going along just fine and then we had that stumbling block of ovarian cyst issues. Went on the pill and got things to calm down and there were calm waters after that. It would be 15 long years before we went off that medication and when we went off you did your job beautifully ... giving us a little bean after only 4 months of trying. I don't blame you at all for the loss of that little bean as it just wasn't meant to be.

Now it is 2 years later and we're still trying for another little bean. You must be feeling a little different with the various amounts of Clomid and Femara coming at you. Whatever might help you I'm willing to do. Acupuncture should also get you working a bit smoother.

So, ladies, we're in this together. I know you have a ton of eggs in there and if you could just pop out one (or two) this cycle I'd love ya forever. Don't forget that God is walking this journey with us as well and having his support is huge.

That's all for now, now... let's rock!

My Blessing, a restful night

Last night I went to bed very early with a good book and let myself calm down. No Guitar Hero or computer work. By the time DH came to bed I was starting to fall asleep. I slept all night long - no anxiety attacks. Today I'm feeling a bit better and so thankful I had a good night.

Today I'll have my second acupuncture treatment for this cycle. He has them spaced out for CD1, CD12 and CD22. If nothing else I think it's made me relax a bit more AND I feel like I'm "doing something." My guy seems to really know his stuff and he's helped me with other things (back pain, etc) before... so here's hoping he'll get my "woman parts" all in tip-top shape.

Lastly I've recognized that I'm a type of person who feels that she needs to be in control at all times. Also someone who sees the world in black and white... win or fail. I realize it isn't fair to judge how I'm doing by either winning or failing... but it does explain why I'm so frustrated right now. Argh. Lord, take the wheel.

Again, the daily scripture really helps:
"... And after you have done everything you can, you will still be standing.”
- Ephesians 6:13

Cycle Day 11

Only one line this morning on the OPK - but that's to be expected. Hopefully we'll see a change by the weekend. Come on ovulation. *sigh*

Last night was a really, really rough night. Went to bed at 10:30pm and rolled around and felt my heart pounding (anxiety type of attack) for hours. I'm assuming I finally fell asleep by 3am as I don't remember seeing the clock after around 2:45am. So now I get a full day at work completely exhausted and yawning like crazy. I need a nap. Argh. No clue what kicked off the anxiety last night.

It sounds like Di had a good weekend and is still hanging in there. I'm so glad her husband, son and daughter are getting some quality time in. I remember going through that with my father and every moment is precious.

Finally, today's scripture struck a chord with me:
“Bow down to the Lord. He will lift you up.” (James 4:10)

A big ol Amen to that. Be well, all.

Cycle Day 10

Well, tomorrow will be CD11 and I'm going to start doing my daily OPK and hoping for 2 lines. I really, really hope that the Femera is going to get my body to ovulate this month. Keeping my fingers crossed. In the past it appears my follies don't mature until CD18 or so but I'm going to start tomorrow vs CD13... because I can. *smirk*

Thank you all for leaving notes on my blog here. It's amazing to have so much support through this difficult journey.

Huge blessings - thank you.

Not just another Sunday

This morning I found myself laying in bed and not wanting to get up. It wasn't that I was tired or just didn't want to leave the warmth... but rather I was just emotionally not wanting to do another day. I'm tired, warn out and emotionally drained. I'm stuck. Days look the same and everynight I hold many of the same prayers close to my heart.

It's draining.

Today I took some time made up two short lists:

Things I can't control:
1. When/If I will become pregnant.
2. The health of others.
3. Whatever the future may throw at me.

Things I can control:
1. My overall health.
2. Letting others know I care and love them.
3. Working hard to keep positive.

So with the Lord's help and my DH at my side I will recognize the first list and act upon the second list. This is no easy task ... but I feel a calm about it and will go forward from here.

Thanks for "listening."

So Thankful

Today I was able to carve out some time over the lunch hour to go visit Di at the hospice center and unlike yesterday she was alert and talking. I was able to talk with her for about 10 minutes and she grasped my hand tightly before I left and I'll never forget the look in her eyes that said thank you for coming and the warmth and strength in her hands. I am so thankful that the Lord moved my heart to go see her, even if I didn't want to "see her that way."

I have heard since that she is not doing well and her family is with her. My heart aches and tears flow - but I am SO thankful for that final chance to talk with a friend before she begins her next great journey.

Oh Di, bless you.

PS: Di's favorite color is purple and altho I'm not a huge fan of that color I'm going to set my template purple for awhile.

In fertility news, I'm just waiting to begin OPK testing - which will begin early next week... so nothing much to report.

Not Dealing Well

Diana, who has been battling cancer over the past year, is thought to have had a stroke last night and is currently in a coma-like state and is moving to hospice this afternoon. She's only in her early 60s and her daughter was just married last year.

Di is a woman who would light up a room with her laugh and she was always wearing a "conversation pin" that would make you smile. She's an elem. school teacher and loved working with the young generation.

I know the hormones aren't helping - but damn. SO hard.

16 Things

I noticed I was tagged by Stacey... wishing to know 16 things about me. I have a little bit of time so I'll go ahead and see if I can come up with 16...

1. Grew up in Iowa
2. Went to college in Missouri
3. Professional WebMaster (11+ years)
4. Loud sounds scare me easily
5. My favorite TV show is Big Bang Theory
6. I love clementines
7. Met my husband on a blind date
8. Lutheran
9. I have been to Italy and Ireland
10. I hate to fly
11. I love NY Style cheesecake
12. My heart aches for a little one
13. Favorite smell is fresh bread baking
14. Favorite sound is rain on the roof
15. Love watching "Lifetime" movies
16. Have been crosssitching since age 8

Stacey's blog:
http://reillyfarmwifeprayingtobecomepregnant.blogspot.com/

Busy, busy day

Today will be really busy so I'll just touch base now. I have four meetings at work, a large project to complete and also going to take an hour this morning to watch the inauguration of Obama as our 44th president.

Also, I have many things on my heart and without going into things in detail please ask the Lord to keep a hand on each of the following people as they are currently walking a difficult section of their journey: Josh, Mark, Diana and Sharon.

Blessings.

Just another day...

Well, so far so good on the Femara. If it reacts for me like the Clomid did I'll only get some hot flashes and headaches and maybe a touch of nausea in that third week... so we'll see.

Not much else to share. Hope all is well with you. *hug*

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase."
- Martin Luther King Jr.

CD3, Starting Femara

I had a wonderful weekend with family members for a final Christmas get together and after the insense pain and cramping on Friday things have toned down a bit altho things are still heavy. It's such an emotional lift to have, of all things, a normal cycle. It's a feeling of "rebooting" and starting again.

Today I'm starting on Femara and hoping it will work this month and get my body to ovulate. I'm already talking to "the ladies" and letting them know that they are still carrying thousands of eggs and I would like just one if they wouldn't mind. Hoping that acupuncture and walking more might help things calm down, relax and kick into action... we shall see.

Just in case I haven't said it bluntly (or recently) ... my DH is the most wonderful, caring and understanding man in the world and he is the biggest blessing in my life. Love you.

CD1, Let's get rolling.

Ok, enough whining. I read back through a bunch of my posts and man am I a gloomy Gus. I really need to also note the good things going in my life - because there are so many. I have been so very blessed in this life and I do recognize it - its just on here I tend to write about fertility issues only so those other things don't come up as much. It amazes me that so many of you still read even though its almost all downer material.

Thanks for that. *hugs*

So... today is definately CD1. On wednesday I had really, really dark spotting happening and yesterday was very dark kinda heavier spotting and I thought it was going to be a 3 day very light dark cycle like last month and then WHAM ... last night I woke up 3 times with major cramping going on. Today I'm sitting with a heating pad and taking some tylonal. Good gosh AF is here with a vengence ... and all I can say is "AWESOME!" It's amazing the things that make me think "bring it on!" but after going with weird cycles for awhile when the cramps finally kick in and the body works like it should I grin and bear it.

Picking up the OPKs, Femara and printing out a temperature chart. I'm going to go all out and see what all happens this month. Also starting acupuncture today so noone can't say I haven't gone in with guns a'blazin.

Again, thank you for walking this pathway with me.

By the Numbers

I received the call. Progesterone was 1.5 this month. It went up - but still no ovulation. *sigh*

How do you deal with spending so much every month (ours is completely out of pocket, averaging $800/mo) and feeling like you have let your spouse down? I'm battling that really, really hard right now. I feel like I'm the broken one and he's stuck with a "defective wife." No matter how much he tells me that's just plain wrong - it still hurts my heart.

Next month the plan is switching to Femera 7.5 mg and trying that instead of continuing with the Clomid. Anyone take this pathway?

And we wait...

Just got a call from the fertility clinic and she started the conversation by saying:

"Ann? This is N from Dr's... I'm really sorry" (this is where my heart fell into my stomach) "but your bloodwork wasn't tested this afternoon and it won't be until morning that we'll have your numbers..." Oh, well heck, that's not bad news. I thought she would say "your progesterone was a whopping .2 this month." So I wait a night. Ok, if I have to... I have to.

And as for the AF thing... today is 7 days post iui and AF should show up sometime this weekend... but the nurse said it _could_ be implementation bleeding. I'm cramping very lightly and it's very, very light...

"Oh Lord, please hold me in the palm of your hand."

Unbelievable.

Still waiting for 3:30 to come to find out if I ovulated this cycle... but in the meantime over lunch it appears that AF is planning to start quite soon. Another month wasted.

Tears just aren't enough anymore.

Bugs Bunny Bandaid

Gave my small blood sample this morning and got a Bugs Bunny bandaid. Honestly, I think it's pretty darn odd that a fertility clinic gives out kid bandages... but ok.

I asked the *ahem, hot* young lab worker when I could call for results and he said to check in tomorrow. Bah. Ok. So then I asked the girl at the checkout desk and she said to call back after 3:30pm. I mentioned what the guy said and she smirked and said "he's a guy... you probably wouldn't want to wait that long." She's so right. Another example of how I truly believe guys see this as a 1s and 0s type of thing whereas females are so much more moment to moment and emotion to emotion sorts of beings.

So now I wait... come on 3:30pm.

Blood Work Tomorrow...

... and praying for better numbers than last month. Saying soft prayers and asking for ovulation for this month. Even if there's no pregnancy... I NEED to know we're stepping in the right direction.

Hope you are all doing well.

Lost

Earlier this afternoon I hit an emotional roadblock. It came out of nowhere and felt like someone was screaming "sorry, you'll never be a mom - you might as well give it up." Tears came and I felt like I was going to fall apart. I pulled it together and made some hot tea and curled up with a book. It helped ... a little.

And then I popped in a little Michael Buble and "Lost" came on. I've always picked apart the song's meaning with the first few lines ... but if you listen to the rest of the song it really touches my heart as a woman growing older and feeling lost and like the "best time" for conceiving a child has passed me by. It might be that my heart was seaching for it... but it rang true. If you haven't listened to it I would highly recommend. *hugs*

"Lost" by Michael Buble

I can't believe it's over, I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I'd only knew, The days were slipping past
That the good things never last, That you were crying...

Summer turned to winter, And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late, It's not too late

'Cause you are not alone, I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together, Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done, And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost, When your worlds crashing down
And you can't bear the thought, I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy, It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy, But you're not
Things have seem to changed, There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained, And we can fly fly fly away

'Cause you are not alone, And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together, Till the light comes pouring through

'Cause when you feel like you're done, And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the worlds crashing down, And you can not bear the cross
I said, baby, you're not lost

Movie Night

DH had to go into work for a bit today and I ran a bunch of errends and got 2 more rooms in the house cleaned and all the dishes done. Was a pretty productive day so we decided to order pizza and rent a movie. Cuddled up under blankets and watch "The Dark Knight." Amazing movie and it was nice to just "get away" for awhile.

In other news today is CD22 and other then my tummy still feeling off I have no symptoms at all. No cramps, no headaches, no feeling like anything is going on. I hope thigns are just being stealthy but in my head I'm pretty resigned to nothing is happening - but I'd LOVE to be proved wrong. *sigh*

Here's hoping everyone else is warm and having a good weekend.

Is everyone else pregnant?

Today I got the news that yet another friend is expecting. That's a total of 5 co-workers that I work with every day. Don't get me wrong - it is a true blessing that they are expecting. I'm thrilled for them and yet... my heart aches.

No matter how much I hope that it doesn't - I know that it changes my relationship with them both professionally and personally. I don't want to meet with them and I don't want to hear their voice as I know that eventually it will turn to the little one they are carrying. I'm starting to shut out many in my life as it's so painful - and I hate that. It's a very lonely place to find yourself.

In other news my nausea is still with me and my anxiety grows daily it seems. Emotions are running wild and like to swing back and forth by the moment.

TTC is such a crazy, crazy journey.

Nausea and Purpleness

Well, it's the first day after my IUI and starting yesterday around 4pm the nausea kicked in something fierce. I don't feel like things are going to come back up but I definately don't want to eat anything and I feel that "pressure" at the back of my throat. Nasty. Anyone else ever experience such a thing?

Also... you'll notice I've changed the look of my blog - again. I can't figure out how I want it to look. I'll more than likely change it when my boys of summer hit the field in April (Go Cubbies!) but until then I'm not sure what to go with so if it's different everytime you visit just know it's just me playing around with possibilities.

*hugs* Take care all, Ann

IUI

Ok, had the IUI this morning and the DH was a ROCK STAR! We had over 37million swimmers with 75% mobility. Last night I had some cramping around 9pm and this morning my tummy is a bit "off" and I have a headache ... so here's hopin for some ovulation.

So now we are on the 2ww. Will go in for some blood testing early next week and hopefully my progesterone will be higher then last month's .6 (no ovulation).

"The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride." -Ecclesiastes 7:8

Oh look... another rollercoaster hill...

Well, went in for my u/s today (CD17) and told the gal (they are all SUPER nice where I go) that I'm not sure we should even do the "stupid" u/s (I was moody, I admit) because my line had gone away. She chuckled softly (in a nice way) and said that I shouldn't put all my stock into OPKs. She said "let's look anyway." So, I plunked down another $200 and... oh my gosh... good news?!?

I have 2 follies on the right side still (haven't O'd yet!) and she said they were 19 and 17. (which is really good...) So we do our IUI tomorrow morning. Going to talk to the DH about a possible back to back IUI (would be tomorrow and then also Wednesday) or we might wait another cycle and try that. I hate that all this is determined by the almighty dollar. *sigh* Any rich folks out there like to adopt a loving couple with fertility issues?

So there it is... I'm at the top of another hill and I'm going to let myself be happy - but guarded. Here we go again...

Fading Away

This morning I woke up and took my OPK test... and my faint line has vanished. I'm crushed. I can't help but be completely devistated and think there's no hope.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. *sigh*

Emotionally Challenging

Just read another forum that I frequent and one of the users is shocked to find she's pregnant for the fourth time in four years. She's "not even sure she wants another"... blah blah blah. It was like a knife in the gut and my heart is in my throat. Going to go make some tea and have a good cry.

I understand HE doesn't give us more then we can handle... but - wow.

Hating the 2 Line Wait

Well, this morning the line was still really faint so no need to call in today. Looks like we'll just be using my appointment on Monday morning for another u/s to measure progress (Lord willing there will have been progress). *sigh* Emotional low today.

Come on... momma needs a surge.

The Starfish Story

While surfing online I stumble upon various things that make me pause, think and reflect and I'll try to share those things with you by posting them here so I can revisit them when I need a pick-me-up. *hugs*

The Starfish Story
Original Story by: Loren Eisley

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”

The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”

“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!”

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…”I made a difference for that one.”

CD14 ... Hmmm.

Well, this morning I called the doc and let them know that I've had a faint line on the OPK now for 2 days and now have a little bit of discharge. My tummy is a little off and I have a headache... other then that nothing. So I called mostly to ask with the weekend coming up what hours there were open and what to do if I'd get a magical surge... and they said "come on in today and we'll do an u/s and check how you're doing." Um... ok. :)

So I have my u/s here at 10:30 and I"m nervous. Afraid it will be:
a) Nope, nothing happening.
b) Sorry, we missed it this cycle.
c) Sorry... you're completely broken.

It amazes me how no matter how much pep talk I give myself - my first thoughts tend to be so negative. I need to be thinking "woo hoo, this might be it" or "it could be tomorrow" or "it's awesome that there's a little bit of LH now in my system!" Argh. That needs to be a new year's resolution for me ... work on a positive frame of mind.


Update:
Actually the news wasn't bad at all. The u/s shows that I'm not quite there yet ovulation wise but that I am definately "in process." We are going to hold steady and continue to watch the OPK results over the weekend and if I get a surge I'm calling in. Otherwise I have an appt on Monday for another u/s to see how much further along we are.

Numbers:
Lining: 9.5
Follies, right side: 11, 8
Follies, left side: 5, 7, 7.5

So... we continue to be patient. *smirk* Yea, right.

Argh.

Well, tonight as I headed to bed I'm feeling "crampy" and also very anxious. After about an hour of just laying there wishing sleep would come I knew that listening to my heart pound away wasn't the answer. So it is now coming up on midnight and I'm up and playing solitare on the computer to get myself to calm down and hopefully grow sleepy. Bleh.

Happy New Year!

Last night we went over to a friend's house and rang in the new year surrounded by good friends and a kiss from the DH at midnight. I found myself thinking back 5+ years and how I used to long for someone to call my own and settle down with. My DH is definately that man and I am so thankful for that blessing in my life.

This morning I woke up at my normal time for a restroom break and I used my daily OPK without even really thinking about it. As I waited and tried not to fall back asleep I noticed it produced a very slight line on the left... nowhere near where it needs to be - but the point here, my friends, is that there was a HINT of a LINE! This is awesome news. Hopefully the Clomid is doing its job! I love these small hints of hope that pop up along this journey.

Here's hoping I get a true second line this cycle... we shall see.