Friday, Time to catch up

First of all, a special thank you to the two of you who sent me emails asking if things were ok as you hadn't seen me posting in awhile. I'm doing ok, just have been really emotional lately and haven't wanted to blog about it. Feeling a bit better now but still struggling with the whole "nothing seems to be working" side of things.

Today I went for my u/s as I was CD14 and usually have one on CD15, but that would fall tomorrow, Saturday. So I went in today and found out that I have two small follies on my right side and a bigger (17) on the left... along with a big ol bully of a cyst. *sigh* Not enough to cancel this month's IUI but something to watch.

So here's the timeline:
Tomorrow, Saturday: 9:30pm Ovidrel trigger shot
Monday Morning, IUI

Should things not work and AF shows, then on CD3 we'll check to see if the cyst is gone via another u/s. IF gone we will continue on ... but if it is still there we'll have to stop and take care of it with a month on Birth Control Pills and try to flush it out. Argh. So I'm prayin that things will work out and we get lucky with a blessing THIS month and not have to worry about things... or at least the cyst will give up ship and move along.

It's always something.

Show and Tell

For this week's Show and Tell I'd love to share a photo of Tristan, my bestest buddy for the past 10 years. He has been with me through so very much and still loves me unconditionally - what a guy. Bubba, I love ya.

Surrounded by Love

The past two days I've been stopping to smell the roses and really pay attention to the blessings the Lord has already given me in this life. I have so many friends, loved ones, family and of course my DH ... and that in itself is better than gold.

I have been reading the book "90 Minutes in Heaven" and have been touched by the story of Don Piper. He was killed instantly in a car accident; pronounced dead at the scene. He was prayed over by another man and 90 minutes later came to, singing. He speaks very little about his experience in Heaven and mostly about his recovery and lessons learned. It has been an amazing book.

Health wise I keep trucking along. On Thursday morning I finally broke down and went to my ear doctor and said I couldn't take the pain running down my right jaw anymore. He told me the source of my pain was my right ear tube was trying to come out and was laying over on a badly irritated spot on my ear drum. So he yanked it out and after about 2 hours my ear felt SO much better. My left tube looked good and could be another month or two. I had them put in last fall due to excessive fluid in my ears that were causing lots of pain.

I am so thankful that pain has gone away. I hope you are all well. *hugs*

Green Eyed Monster

Two of my close co-workers are now expecting their second children in the time I haven't been able to conceive our first and I got to spend an entire lunch hour with them (I was the third to their two) and listen about how the babies are coming along and how they are thrilled to be giving their little ones a sibling. A solid hour of nodding, fake smiling and choking down the emotion I felt building.

I came back to the office and went directly to the restroom on another floor and cried. I know they don't know and they don't realize and maybe I needed to say something - but that's just not my way of handling things. I always internalize it and don't make waves. But good Lord it HURTS.

Horrible 24 Hours

Unbelieveable.

Started on my home last night when I stopped to get my allergy shot. We've been stepping up the dose each week just fine and then WHAM ... swelling, breathing issues and a bit of panic led to an epinephrine shot and an hour of laying in a back room. Had the major shakes and a headache for the next 2 hours. Whew, what an experience.

And then there was today. A horrible meeting at work in which we spent 2 hours accomplishing nothing but listening to our leader whine about how busy he is and how he wants someone else to take over. We are all busy. And it's not like he has to do any prep between meetings or any writing. Sigh. Frustrating.

At four I left work to head to the dentist (a huge anxiety attack moment for me) and found out I have an old filling on the left that is falling apart and causing problems. I haven't gotten any pain yet so I'm glad they caught it at my cleaning. So another big chunk of money and a blissful day at the "spa" in the next week or so. Sucks.

Come on life, cut me a break!

CD3

Ok, so today is CD3 and so yesterday I called into my RE and said "I need a refill on my Femara for this next month." This morning first thing I get a call back and the nurse says "I believe he wanted you to goto injectables if the Femara didn't work." To this I answered "but I ovulated!" She's going to talk to the doc and call me back later today.

Am I the only one in the world who thinks that just plain ovulating was the biggest breakthrough since putting man on the moon? I trust my RE 100% but was thinking that we were going down the right track so I'm not sure why he'd want to go down a new pathway just yet. *sigh* Confusion running high.

Ok, going to try to calm it down. Finding out that when I have AF visiting that I'm perhaps just a tiny bit more touchy than normal. *smirk* DH might have a little different perspective on that. So... now I wait for the call back.

Update:
The nurse called back (within 45 minutes, I love that staff) and said that he agrees with me that if I feel that 2 more months of Femara is worth trying he'll totally work with that. So they are calling in a refill and I'll start that today.

Happy Valentine's Day

Here's hoping each of you find a little love in the world today. Not much to say from my part of the world... but being able to hold and kiss my DH was more than enough of a blessing.

Today is CD1.

Friday the 13th's Testing Woes

This morning I woke up early with a start and found myself in tears. I must have been having one heck of a bad dream. It's odd, as normally I remember my dreams and they are usually quite vivid. As I was up I decided to head to the restroom and ... I decided to test.

The result? Nothing. Not even the control line. *sigh* Somebody is messin with me. When the DH finally woke he asked if I had tested and I told him what happened. With serious eyes he asked "did you do the test right?" I literally had to laugh and explain I've been POAS for quite awhile now... and it's not exactly rocket science (sorry Sheldon).

So now I'm at work and thinking "what the heck." I kind of wanted to know - but in some ways am glad I didn't see a BFN. Argh. Anyone else ever get a test that shows nothing? I have 2 more out of the three pack and I'm not sure I want to use em.

Argh.

Happy Valentine's Day

Today (Thursday) my DH walked into my office just after lunch to deliver a bouquet of balloons that are unbelievably huge. He knows that balloons make me smile so he got me some that are in the shape of huge roses. He's such a sweetheart and it really made my day.

You'll notice that I don't have any photos on here, nor do I give alot of information about who I am - but I thought I'd share an image of me and my biggest blessing. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and have a chance to be with the one you love.

Need to ReFocus

Saw a post over on Stacey's Blog and think it's a wonderful thing to step back and count my blessings. What a beautiful idea. So... here are my 14...

1. My husband. A true blessing.
2. Having such a large, loving family.
3. God's hand and loving presence, or I'd be lost.
4. My true, 2am friends.
5. Having a home and being financially stable.
6. My job. I love my job.
7. My co-workers, who are beyond awesome.
8. Winter. Yes, winter. It is my "reset button."
9. My cat, Tristan, who is now 10. My best buddy.
10. Science. Thankfully REs exist and can help me conceive.
11. Cheesecake.
12. Computers. They allow me to connect, journal and research.
13. Finding old friends again.
14. Seeing comments on my blog.

Life is Kickin me in the Boo-tay

Last night Diana passed away after over a year fighting cancer and then 2 weeks spent in the hospice. This woman had the most positive attitidue of anyone I've ever met. She was an elementary school teacher and would always wear bright colorful clothing and those "conversation buttons." Hats were always in style and she was a HUGE Chicago Cubs fan. I value greatly the time I spent with her and keep her family in my prayers now that she is gone. I have such a heavy heart and it will be hard to let the kids know that their favorite teacher is gone.

After finding out the news last night I tested. 10dpIUI and I tested. Negative. I know - it's too early - but I've got light spotting and I just don't feel pregnant. I'll test again this weekend if AF doesn't show - but I tested and don't know anything new because of it. Hoping it was negative because I have no patience and it's just way early.

Now I just carry with me a heart that is broken and tears that will not leave my eyes. I feel battered, let down and frustrated that I can't control ANYTHING. Sorry to be such a downer but today is just kickin me in the arse emotionally.

Update:
It wasn't until I posted and then viewed my blog that I read my scripture for the day. It is the scripture that we used (as do many) as the main scripture for our wedding. The Lord does speak when we most need to hear. What a blessing.

Scripture of the Day
“Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people's wrongs.”
(1 Corinthians 13:4-5)

Believe

“Believe in the power of believing. Say “I believe,” and believe it. Believe in something, anything that gives you the courage and strength to continue on when it would be so easy to give up. Believe that you’re beautiful. Believe that you deserve to be happy. Believe that you have choices and that you can choose wisely. Above all, believe in yourself.” – Rachel Snyder

This is the quote on my calendar in my office and a soft reminder for me as I go through a rough day of anxiety. Tears are coming easily today - and I'm not really sure why. Just a quiet day. Hope you are all well. *hugs*

Come On Valentine's Day!

Well, my 2ww will end this Saturday - Valentine's Day. I'm thinking this could be either a really wonderful something I can share with the DH on the date I'm setting up ... OR it could be a lot of tears, frustration and a BIG glass of wine. We shall see.

The moon tonight was full and absolutely georgous. Driving home after dinner out with the DH I just couldn't take my eyes off it. Stunning full yellow moon on the black sky with just a few clouds floating by. I had hoped to get a photo but none came out... too many lights with the houses around here.

In other news we have a good friend whose wife had their baby this past Saturday... 6 weeks early. Little Natalie is in the NICU until she can eat on her own. She was 4lbs 10oz and is beautiful. Please keep them in your prayers as they wait to bring their little blessing home.

Feeling Better

Well, I think I'm finally seeing sunlight at the top of the fatigue well. No longer am I worried I'll never recover - but rather am bummed that I'm not fully there yet. I'm ready to be well, dangit. I'm almost thrilled to be returning to work tomorrow. I said... almost.

Time to Show and Tell again:

Here are some photos of our trip to Ireland in March 2008. The DH and I were able to go with a local group along with my mother and his parents. A trip of a lifetime.

The food, was awesome. This was a tuna melt and a Guiness in a little pub near Trinity College. Mmmm. Wonderful.


Rock of Cashel:
Cliffs of Mohr:
Dingle Bay:
Peat bogs:
Blarney Castle:

Bloodwork is in...

... and my progesterone level is 10.3! That means there was ovulaton this past month! I'm so thrilled that the combo of Femara, Ovidrel and acupuncture seemed to work this month. I feel a "little less broken." There's a ray of hope that's been opened in my heart that I was afraid was fading away.

Heading back to bed as I worked this morning but came home at lunchtime because I'm just too fatigued. Feeling shaky and really need a nap - but wanted to post an update that was such great news.

Now... if AF does show up by the end of next week I have other types of testing to do. What a journey.

Horrible 48 Hours

Well, I think I'm finally on the upside of being sick. Went to see the doctor yesterday morning due to severe cramping on my left side too low to be one of the ladies and running a fever. After a bunch of tests I have the virus that is going around (dreaded diarrhea and additional GI issues) AND a really bad urinary tract infection. Yea, go me. *Sigh*

48 LONG hours later I'm finally eating a little and the GI issues are getting better. I'm on amoxicillin for the urinary tract infection and hopefully things will all clear up soon. I'm hoping to go back to work tomorrow as I'm not a very good patient and I can't deal with another day of sleeping and watching Oprah.

Anyone have good suggestions on regaining your strength after a bad sickness? Bah.

Officially Sick

Came home an hour early today from work after feeling fine until around 2pm. The past 3 days I've felt out of sorts and tired but I figured it was just all part of "the journey." I'm now thinking it was just hinting as to what was coming around the corner.

I got home and my face is on fire, my eyes really hurt and I'm chilling. Haven't taken my temp but DH has told me that I'm "crazy hot."

I. Hate. Being. Sick.

Now, excuse me... I'm going to go have a pity party, climb into bed and watch the Biggest Loser. *sigh*

Show and Tell

Hoping on the "Show and Tell" bandwagon set up by the lady from Stirrup Queens and will do my best to post something the share each weekend. I have really enjoyed visiting those who currently participate and look forward to joining the group.

This week I'd like to share...



Yes, this is Mr. Buble. I'm a fan of Buble... ok, a bit more than just a fan. *swoon* I've now seen the man three times live and this past fall I was able to see him from the second row and the second half of the concert from the front lip of the stage. The photo above is not zoomed and is blurred like crazy because... get this... he was just too close! That concert I touched his foot, shook his hand and... touched his knee. I know, inappropriate - but I had a high school girl moment.

His music calms me and also pumps me up. You try to sit still while listening to his version of "Sway." Ahh, Buble.

Monday. Argh.

Last night I didn't sleep very well and around midnight had to ask the DH to take his snoring elsewhere. He must be pretty stuffed up as that's the only time he snores. The rest of the night was filled with really weird dreams and I kept waking up for a brief moment thinking "what the hell?" I'd fall back asleep and then find myself waking again to another moment of severe confusion. Odd.

So today I'm tired, cranky, moody and really anxious. I haven't had a high anxiety day for quite awhile and not sure what's bringing it on. Bah.

On friday I'll go for my bloodwork and will be praying for high numbers, which will then mean I ovulated this cycle. That would be HUGE! Seems like Friday is a very long way off and I really, really hope I wouldn't have to wait for my results until Monday. I mean I could do it... but this weekend I'd be hacked. *smirk*

SuperBowl

It's that time of year again and the DH and I usually head out and goto someone's SuperBowl party. It's nice to hang out with people and such - but this year we are going to stay in and watch the game together. Grabbing some snacks to munch on and just spend a low key afternoon together... I can't wait. =)

Going for Arizona due to Kurt Warner being our own local "boy." That being said, I think that the game will end up something around 24 (Steelers) to 17 (Cardinals). We'll see.