Just received word that our beta blood work was negative. After falling apart at work I finally decided to take a co-worker's suggestion and came home and had an ugly cry. Feeling a bit better but boy does my heart ache.

Closing the book on 2.5 years of trying via iui/ivf and will now set our minds (and hearts) on beginning the process of adoption.

Thank you all for the continued prayers.

Tomorrow is Transfer Day

Sorry I haven't been blogging very much but I have been really busy with work and home. Things are still on track and currently I'm on 3 Vivelle Patches (changed every 3rd day), the Estradiol, Methylprednisolone, Doxycycline and the awesome HUGE progesterone shot in the tushy each night. Life is challenging but I keep on truckin.

Tomorrow is our transfer day and we are hoping that both of our penguins (frozen embryos) will make it through the thaw and be in great condition for our 11am transfer. We appreciate all the prayers and warm wishes as we move along the journey of our FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle.

Will let you all know how tomorrow goes and then we won't know if things "took" until the beginning of July via our blood work so keep those prayers coming. Thanks all, blessings.

Feeling Better

Quick update - the increase in meds has stopped the bleeding that kicked in yesterday. They had told me if I saw red at all to contact them asap - so when I woke up Friday morning to what appeared to be a start of my cycle with bright red on my liner and some decent cramping - I have to admit I hit an emotional "oh my gosh, no."

After talking with the office the fact that it was still light was good and they told me to now wear 3 patches (instead of two) and to call if the bleeding gets heavy... well, as of this morning it has stopped. Praying that things are still on track and that we'll find out the lining is thick enough next week and we can keep going.

Thank you all for the continued prayers.

Postponed

Haven't updated in awhile as things have been pretty status quo and with a FET cycle there really hasn't been much going on other than wearing my Vivelle patches and the nightly Lupron shot.

Today I went to my full checkup and found out that my lining isn't where we want it to be. I'm at a 4 to 5 and we want it around 8 to 9. So we have postponed my transfer until June 17th. To beef up the lining I get to take 2mg Estradiol 2x daily ... and I WISH I could take them orally - if you get my meaning. Here's hoping that a week on this med will help things along and we'll be ready to go.

Not the news I had wanted, but I guess we just have to go with the flow and be thankful that the cycle hasn't been canceled (yet). Prayers would be awesome.

Gains and Losses

The past 24 hours have really tested me. I have been going to a counselor for the past 2 years while on this infertility journey and she has been my rock every other week for so long that I've learned to really depend on my time with her to vent, dream and lay it all out as she was my safe zone.

At yesterday's session she started... "before we settle in today I need to let you know something." *deep breath* She's expecting. Deep down I'm really happy for her - but at the same time I feel like this really sucks for me. She's no longer that neutral, safe zone - and that's proving to be really, really hard. Not sure where I'll go from here. *sigh* It's so hard to see myself being able to talk the same way while watching her change from week to week. So hard.

Bloodwork this morning for Estridol level was good (41, wanted less than 100) so we are continuing on towards that magical transfer date of June 10th. Continuing the Lupron injections and will start the Vivelle patches (x2) on Friday.

Hanging in there and praying for patience, understanding and strength.

New Game Plan

Had a good meeting with the RE over the lunch hour (and got to snag lunch with the DH). He took the extra time to walk through the entire IVF process and what our results were at each stage. He was very, very positive and let us know that we are responding really well and that we are on the right track.

We also talked about the resulting chemical pregnancy and he was very sure that we "got there" and things just didn't stick. He feels that just getting to the point that we had 2 beautiful embies on transfer day was a big thing and reminded me it wasn't anything I did/didn't do that resulted in the BFN. That helped. No matter what I KNOW ... the feelings of "what did I do wrong" just won't stop traveling my brain and my heart. Tough road.

So the battle plan is to do a FET cycle (frozen embie transfer) starting with my next CD1 back on Desogen (the BCP that makes me feel icky). That should happen sometime in mid-April so no news til then. Thanks to all who are still out there and following this wickedly nasty (physically/emotionally) journey.

Next Step

This will be short as I'm using my mobile phone, but basically we have our next appointment with our RE on March 25th and we'll figure out how/when to proceed with a FET. (Frozen embryo transfer) So basically I have three weeks "off" and I'm going to try to not think about fertility in any way, shape or form. (Much easier said then done).

Will check in more later but for now I'm just numb and dealing. Thank you all for the soft words, prayers and warm thoughts.

I'll know either way... today.

Well, dropped off a beautiful blood sample (amazing how numb I am to needles by now) and I will know either way in about 2 hours from now. They are going to call me with my Beta results when they are in. I don't feel much different and so I'm really worried I'll come back with a low beta... but it seems that's a common feeling for most women.

Keeping my fingers/toes crossed and saying a soft prayer. Either way we'll make it through this and Heaven forbid we need to start the process over at least we know that we. can. do. this.

*hugs* Update later today.

Check out the Embies...

Here's a photo of the photo (scanner isn't working) of the two embies we put in a week ago. It's absolutely driving me nuts wondering if they are still around and if they've implanted. It's the not knowing that is making this time creep slowly by. I've been having sore boobs, slight cramping, headaches and fatigue and I really hope these are good signs and not just in response to the progesterone and other hormones in my body.

Argh! Is it Saturday yet? I just need to _know_.

Tired, Cranky, Lightheaded...

Made it back to work today and felt really beat down. I just wanted to go home and curl up with a heating pad on my shoulders and get in some quality nap time. I'm just plain exhausted. I'm assuming it has a lot to do with the PIO (progesterone) shots and the patch ... but bleh anyway. Possibility of an early night tonight.

Blessings.

TGIF... almost

Well, tomorrow I go in for an update u/s and blood work and I'm hoping things look good. I'm starting to feel pretty emotional at times and my tummy is very, very bruised and hurting quite a bit (and this is only day 4 of stims!). Can't sleep on my stomach anymore and I'm beginning to wonder how I'll get another 5 days of shots with 3-4 a day... yikers.

More updates when I have them. *hugs*

Holy Crud, Only Day 2?

Ok, so yesterday was day one on stims. Follistim wasn't that bad, Lupron is old hat and then Repronex kicked me in the butt. Burned going in and today I feel like I've been shot. Definately won't be using that spot on my belly anytime in the near future. I'm really hoping that was a one time occurance... but sweating tonight's poke all the same. Anyone else have problems with the Repronex?

In a nutshell...
Lupron: easy peasy
Follistim: not best friends, but friends
Repronex: definately off my Christmas card list

Here's hoping tonight will be better. *sniffle*

PS: Tomorrow is an u/s and bloodwork day.

Let's Get Ready to... Stim!

Today is day one of stims and I finally feel like I'm doing something. The past few days I've allowed myself to get down and anxious about starting the "big shots" today and I'll be able to update later regarding the Repronex but as for the Follistim this morning that was easy peasy. I swear it was less of a poke then the Lupron shots. Here's hoping the best for the Repronex.

And here's some more pics. Trying to document the journey so I can look back and re-live the fun and emotion. *chuckle*





Ok ladies, let's get to work!

Shouldn't be happening...

Well, I have 2 days left on medroxyprogesterone and then my CD1 should come after another 5 days to 2 weeks... and tonight I am having what would lead me to fully believe on a regular cycle that tomorrow would be CD1. Going to call tomorrow and see what the answer might be - but of course tonight I'm thinking bad thoughts, nervous, anxious and all in all worried that something is very wrong.

So nothing new to really report... except that emotions are high and anxiety is crazy. More info when I know more myself.

CD1

Yup, major cramping going on along with headaches that could bring down a buffalo. Definately Day 1 and will be starting the Femera again on Wednesday.

I realize HE doesn't give us more than we can handle... but wow. HE must think really highly of me and my patience level. Going to keep fighting.

Emotionally Charged

Today I'm cramping and having light spotting and it's only CD24. It's amazing how just a little spotting can bring a flow of tears and a sense of failure. I just on't know how much more I can take of this. This journey is emotionally and physically draining. I can't push aside the feeling that this will never happen for us.

So hard.

CD1

AF has arrived and the cramps are about a 8 out of 10. Midol on board and heating pad applied and hoping that things improve.

Working from home today as yesterday was an emotional struggle that made being at work uncomfortable for both myself and my co-workers who can't put their finger on what might be going on. I'm very blessed to have a boss who understands.

It's amazing just how many tears one seems to have.

CD15

U/S showed good news today. Left side (side that has been cramping like crazy) shows a 14 and a 24. I've never had a follie over 21 before so that's promising. Tomorrow is our day and then we begin the 2ww.

Sorry my updates have been few, far between and short but I guess I'm just as enthusiastic as I once was. So hard to stay positive. Any advice along that line would be more than welcome. We've been trying full on since November and it's starting to seem impossible.

*hugs* Thanks all.

Tuesday

I'd love to be posting more but the honesty of the situation is that I'm down, I'm depressed and I'm becoming more convinced that fertility is just something I need to pack up, put away and move on. *Sigh* I'm trying to pull my sorry arse out of this funk but right now it's not happening.

Hang in there with me ... I'll get better.

CD1

Tomorrow will be CD1. We're taking a month off and will be meeting with our RE on April 4th and see where we go from here.

Not in a happy place right now.