Fading Away

This morning I woke up and took my OPK test... and my faint line has vanished. I'm crushed. I can't help but be completely devistated and think there's no hope.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. *sigh*

Emotionally Challenging

Just read another forum that I frequent and one of the users is shocked to find she's pregnant for the fourth time in four years. She's "not even sure she wants another"... blah blah blah. It was like a knife in the gut and my heart is in my throat. Going to go make some tea and have a good cry.

I understand HE doesn't give us more then we can handle... but - wow.

Hating the 2 Line Wait

Well, this morning the line was still really faint so no need to call in today. Looks like we'll just be using my appointment on Monday morning for another u/s to measure progress (Lord willing there will have been progress). *sigh* Emotional low today.

Come on... momma needs a surge.

The Starfish Story

While surfing online I stumble upon various things that make me pause, think and reflect and I'll try to share those things with you by posting them here so I can revisit them when I need a pick-me-up. *hugs*

The Starfish Story
Original Story by: Loren Eisley

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”

The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”

“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!”

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…”I made a difference for that one.”

CD14 ... Hmmm.

Well, this morning I called the doc and let them know that I've had a faint line on the OPK now for 2 days and now have a little bit of discharge. My tummy is a little off and I have a headache... other then that nothing. So I called mostly to ask with the weekend coming up what hours there were open and what to do if I'd get a magical surge... and they said "come on in today and we'll do an u/s and check how you're doing." Um... ok. :)

So I have my u/s here at 10:30 and I"m nervous. Afraid it will be:
a) Nope, nothing happening.
b) Sorry, we missed it this cycle.
c) Sorry... you're completely broken.

It amazes me how no matter how much pep talk I give myself - my first thoughts tend to be so negative. I need to be thinking "woo hoo, this might be it" or "it could be tomorrow" or "it's awesome that there's a little bit of LH now in my system!" Argh. That needs to be a new year's resolution for me ... work on a positive frame of mind.


Update:
Actually the news wasn't bad at all. The u/s shows that I'm not quite there yet ovulation wise but that I am definately "in process." We are going to hold steady and continue to watch the OPK results over the weekend and if I get a surge I'm calling in. Otherwise I have an appt on Monday for another u/s to see how much further along we are.

Numbers:
Lining: 9.5
Follies, right side: 11, 8
Follies, left side: 5, 7, 7.5

So... we continue to be patient. *smirk* Yea, right.

Argh.

Well, tonight as I headed to bed I'm feeling "crampy" and also very anxious. After about an hour of just laying there wishing sleep would come I knew that listening to my heart pound away wasn't the answer. So it is now coming up on midnight and I'm up and playing solitare on the computer to get myself to calm down and hopefully grow sleepy. Bleh.

Happy New Year!

Last night we went over to a friend's house and rang in the new year surrounded by good friends and a kiss from the DH at midnight. I found myself thinking back 5+ years and how I used to long for someone to call my own and settle down with. My DH is definately that man and I am so thankful for that blessing in my life.

This morning I woke up at my normal time for a restroom break and I used my daily OPK without even really thinking about it. As I waited and tried not to fall back asleep I noticed it produced a very slight line on the left... nowhere near where it needs to be - but the point here, my friends, is that there was a HINT of a LINE! This is awesome news. Hopefully the Clomid is doing its job! I love these small hints of hope that pop up along this journey.

Here's hoping I get a true second line this cycle... we shall see.